Relational Repairs: Conflict Isn’t the Problem—It’s How We Respond to It
In every relationship—no matter how loving or well-intentioned—there will inevitably be moments of disconnection, misunderstanding, or emotional injury. What creates a resilient, connected relationship is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to recover from it.
The concept of repair is foundational in the work of Doctors John and Julie Gottman, renowned researchers and clinicians at the Gottman Institute. Among the many insights from their decades of research into couples' dynamics, is one impactful finding: the importance of a couple's ability and willingness to make repairs.
What Is a Repair?
A repair is any statement or action meant to reduce tension, de-escalate conflict, and reconnect emotionally with your loved one. According to the Gottmans, successful couples aren’t perfect communicators—they're skilled repairers (Benson, 2024). They recognize when disconnection is happening, and take steps to restore emotional safety and trust.
This might look like, saying “I’m sorry I snapped at you,” reaching out for a hug, or offering a lighthearted joke to soften the moment. The purpose of a repair is to bridge the gap created by misunderstanding or hurt, and create space for healing and reconnection.
The Value of Repair in Relationships
Without repair, emotional wounds can compound. Over time, partners may begin to feel emotionally unsafe, leading to defensiveness, resentment, or emotional withdrawal. When couples fail to repair, even small conflicts take on large meanings. A raised voice or dismissive comment might feel like yet another betrayal in a long line of hurts. In contrast, regular repair attempts help build trust, remind partners that they are on the same team, and help restore the emotional connection that can be strained in conflict.
Practicing Repair in Your Relationship
The goal of repair is to acknowledge what caused disconnection, and to find a better way forward together. Here are a few different ways to practice making repairs in your relationship:
Acknowledgement
Repairs often start with some humility and personal responsibility. Take a moment to reflect on how your words or actions may have impacted your partner. Impact is about how our words or actions are received, regardless of our intention behind them. A simple, sincere acknowledgment can go a long way in restoring trust and connection.
“I was distracted and I didn’t show up in the way you needed me to”.
“I see now that I made assumptions instead of asking how you were feeling. That wasn’t fair to you.”
2. Validate Their Feelings—Even If You See It Differently
Many folks may hesitate to validate their partner's feelings, fearing that doing so means dismissing their own. This isn’t the case – Two perspectives can exist at the same time. Validation does not mean agreement, though is an acknowledgment that each partner’s reality is worthy of respect.
“I understand how that hurt you”.
“It makes sense that you feel that way”.
3. Ask with Clarifying Questions
Demonstrate to your partner that you care about understanding their perspective. We are much more likely to be heard when we demonstrate that we are willing to do the same.
“Can you help me understand what felt hurtful?”
“What would be a more supportive way that I can respond to that in the future?”
4. Offer an Apology
Apologizing is more than saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about allowing your partner to feel truly seen and cared for. Gary Chapman’s Five Languages of Apology reminds us that everyone receives apologies differently—some partners need simple acknowledgment, others need to hear regret, while others need to see measurable change (Chapman & Thomas, 2006). Learn what speaks to your partner’s heart.
“I’m sorry I got defensive. I was more focused on being right than on understanding you”.
“I’m sorry I let you down. I’m going to make things right by ___”.
5. Create Moments to Reconnect
Moments of reconnection help partners remember that, even in the midst of tension, they’re still on the same team. When conflict leaves space between you, these small gestures—checking in, reaching out, showing care— can help bring you back together.
The Power of Repair: Turning Conflict into Connection
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, and it’s how we respond to these moments that makes all the difference. Repair helps restore trust and connection, creating space for healing and understanding. It’s about showing up with care, and a shared commitment to moving forward together.
References:
Benson, K. (2024, June 26). Repair is the secret weapon of emotionally connected couples. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/repair-secret-weapon-emotionally-connected-couples/
Chapman, G., & Thomas, J. (2006). The five languages of apology: How to experience healing in all your relationships. Northfield Publishing.
Disclaimer: The content and resources provided on this blog are intended solely for educational and informational purposes. They are not a substitute for professional psychotherapy or mental health treatment. Nothing presented here should be construed as personalized therapeutic advice. The information shared may or may not be applicable to your individual circumstances.
